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It had been a wonderful weekend. My husband, children, and I had braved a long car trip together, navigating the numerous unknowns and hiccups of traveling with very young people gracefully. We had worked well as a team, and I was feeling pretty content — happy in our marriage and enjoying the return to routine.
Then Monday hit, and everything was wrong. Our interactions were suddenly fraught with tension, and old disagreements reared their heads out of the blue. In the blink of an eye, I felt completely disconnected and at odds in our marriage. I didn’t want to be around this man I had pledged my life to because of the tension, which just made things more uncomfortable.
By Tuesday, I was still reeling and trying to figure out what had happened. Seemingly, only good things! A successful trip, even a mini-pilgrimage on the way home, lots of happy family memories made — and then this.
The devil’s wrench
It didn’t click right away, but then it hit me. This was just an attack on our marriage. The devil hates marriage, and after such a bonding weekend, the goal was to throw a wrench in our relationship. So, we pulled out our marriage first aid kit and got to work. Sure enough, by Wednesday we were back to being a loving team rather than a pair of tempestuous and grumpy roommates.
Here’s what we do when something is off in our marriage, and we realize we want to change it, rather than stay stuck, wallowing in self-pity and bitterness or righteous indignation:
1
Pray the St. Michael prayer
Ask for St. Michael the Archangel’s help. This is powerful when prayed individually and silently during an argument, but even more so when we both stop what we’re doing and pray it out loud together.
2
Share a litany of appreciation
When all you can see are the defects of your beloved and your own pain, it is very helpful to make a list of all the ways you appreciate who they are and what they do. Jot it down on your phone or grab a paper and pencil and list anything from “thanks for making coffee in the morning” to “I appreciate your spirit of adventure and gift for connecting with kids.” Then share it with your spouse.
3
Be extra courteous
Say please and thank you. Thank them for everything, large and small that you can. Use a loving tone of voice (or at least shoot for a neutral tone!) when requesting anything. Go out of your way to be polite when you would rather snap or ignore.
4
Renew your wedding
Recite your vows out loud together. It is a quick and gentle reminder that you made a solemn vow together, and that vow matters. In addition, be physical when you would rather not — even if that just means holding hands on a walk or touching a shoulder in passing. When you would rather not speak to the other person, much less touch them, physical connection goes a long way towards breaking the ice.
5
Sacrifice together
There is always a pressing prayer intention in our life — usually a friend or family member who needs some kind of healing, be that metal or spiritual or physical. We have a few sacrifices that we have found are great for us to do together. When we both offer up our cozy morning coffee or tea for a friend going through a hard time, it does wonders for our own relationship. Working towards something challenging is an instant unifier.
6
Ask for the grace of your sacrament
This is usually our first or second go-to, around the time we realize something needs to change. One of us remembers to ask for the graces we received through the sacrament of marriage on our wedding day. That cry for help (combined with praying a St. Michael prayer) seems to set us back on the right track quickly.
And today we celebrate...