Our two oldest children are girls. When they were little, I would get down on the floor and we would play tea party. I would help them try on different, fabulous outfits and accessories. They would sit on the kitchen counter and tell long, rambling stories while we made dinner. All in all, it was a civilized, polite (extremely verbal) family. We sought the finer things in life.
Then came the boys. Our next two children were sons. They were different. Suddenly, we were zooming cars all over the house, mucking about in muddy puddles, and constantly wrestling and bashing into each other. We communicated through physical feats of strength. We struggled to get them to brush their teeth.
It isn’t that our daughters didn’t occasionally like to roughhouse when they were younger, or never danced into rain puddles while holding worms. It doesn’t mean that the boys are complete neanderthals incapable of forming a coherent sentence or that they don’t have authentic and sensitive emotions. But, in my experience, there is a difference in raising boys and girls and there are some real differences between the sexes.
No expectations
We’ve tried hard not to put artificial expectations on any of the children. For instance, I’ve encouraged the girls to roughhouse with me, drive tractors, play sports, and develop a strong personal identity. I’ve tried to make sure the boys know how to dress nicely, read good books, learn to play the piano, and treat their sisters kindly. In our house, there have never been any preconceptions about how a boy should act or how a girl should act. (And this includes not trying to, for instance, pressure the girls to take an interest in construction equipment or the boys to love playing dress-up. The truth is, they have zero interest.)
We’re all simply trying to become the best version of our selves.
As it turns out, sons and daughters just being themselves are naturally quite different. This is apparent simply when we watch young children play together in groups. The boys and girls naturally separate. Boys like to engage in physical play and competition. They like to needle each other as an indirect way of bonding. They’re interested in activity and accomplishments, building block towers to see who can make it tallest, running races around and playground equipment, and organizing into imaginary battles.
The girls, on the other hand, spend their time interacting directly with each other and building up the group dynamic. They make pretend phone calls to each other, have tea parties, and talk through all their group decisions. They’re less competitive and prefer to talk through their group activities and compromise when they decide what they’re going to play.
What is different and what is the same
I know it’s not popular to acknowledge that boys and girls are different, but it’s undeniable that this is true. The differences are based in our physical makeup, the way hormones affect our development. In turn, these physical differences shape the way we think, how we process emotions, and problem solve. As a Catholic, I cannot help but think that these differences form a beautiful complimentarity – men and women need each other. We’re better with each other around.
As a father, I’m always aware of these differences between my sons and daughters. I want to give each one of my children what they need from me, acknowledging those needs might not be the same. Before talking about those, I want to mention what is the same for every child. Every child whether son or daughter deserves the same love, empathy, consistency, and empathy. In our house, punishments and privileges are the same for all the children, only being adapted to age and maturity. The boys don’t receive more freedom than the girls and the girls don’t receive special treatment. They are all loved equally.
Sons and daughters
Now, for the differences. Our boys are much more physical and action-oriented than their sisters. For them, quality time with dad consists of wrestling, riding bikes, and showing them how to make a knot for a tie. They value the times I give them a nod of approval or say I’m proud of them, but because boys are more prone to action they tend to intuit expressions of love more through our roughhousing and doing guy stuff together. They respond to challenges and being given new responsibility because it allows them to express themselves through their actions.
Verbally, boys like clear, precise directives and when they become more verbal, they often default to joking around. They don’t naturally talk through their issues out loud but they do benefit from verbally processing their emotions, so they understand what they’re feeling. It seems to be important that I, as their father and role model, help give them “permission” to talk about their emotions and show them how to do it.
On the other hand, the girls are very much more inclined towards open, verbal communication. They like written notes, cards, hugs, and frequent expressions of love. They’re less interested in me giving them direct, concise advice. They don’t want me telling them how to fix their problems. As a man, I prefer action-oriented solutions, but my daughter prefer to talk through the problem out loud and my role is to help them come to a conclusion of their own after examining all the various possibilities.
Our daughters need to have their emotions validated, which then gives them confidence to make independent decisions. For the girls, quality time is time spent talking and showing them that their concerns, hopes, and dreams are important.
Each child is unique
In the end, what I always remind myself of is that I’m raising unique human beings with thoughts and feelings all their own. My children have shown an amazing capacity to defy and exceed our preconceptions. The best method by which I can give a child what he or she needs is to pay very close attention. Know him. Listen to her. Notice what makes him smile, what makes her laugh. See how each one expresses their frustrations, joy, and love. I know I’m not a perfect parent, but in respecting exactly how God has made each child in his image, I pray one day that each one will grow into the man or woman each has the potential to become.
