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Nowadays there are more and more blended families due to a number of reasons, including an increase in the divorce rate. With this in mind children can find themselves very quickly immersed in a new family set-up, without much time to grieve the loss of their original, core family.
It’s therefore vital that if a new couple wants to blend their families, the main preoccupation has to be the children, and how to make this transition as seamless as possible. The couple should also take into consideration that if normal family life isn’t easy, bringing two families together isn’t going to be plain sailing!
While in some cases blending two families together is relatively easy, for those who are struggling, take a look at these great tips below to make it a little smoother:
1
Timing is key
After a separation, or the loss of a spouse, the newly single parent might be anxious to find love again and to try and recreate some semblance of family life for their children. Understandably they might get a little carried away and move things on so quickly that their kids haven’t had time to adapt to the situation. It’s therefore important to take time to breathe.
If your new love is the right person for you, they’ll give you and your children time to get used to the idea of a new family set up. You’ll need to consider where your children are in their lives. If they’re in the middle of taking key exams, or trying to cope with their own transitions, such as puberty, make sure you don’t impose a new family on them when they’re struggling with their own normalcy.
2
Keep priorities in check
While the new person in your life might fill you with great hope and excitement, the children have to come first, especially when they’re not adults. And they also have to see that they are the priority, and that they’re not being usurped by some stranger who has suddenly arrived in their lives. You therefore need to prioritize their needs over those of your new partner’s.
This does not mean that everything concerning the child is the only priority. It’s making sure that they can continue to live as much as possible with the same comfort and the same response to their reasonable needs as before. And you’ll have to bear in mind that during such a big transition they’ll probably need a lot more reassuring, too.
3
Don’t push the “friend” role
Lots of well-meaning stepparents try to win over stepchildren by being a friend. Good friendships take time and cannot be imposed on anybody, and this is especially the case with children. The golden rule is to show kindness more than anything. Let them get to know you, and show a genuine interest in what they like or dislike. Let your relationship blossom naturally, over time.
Also don’t be tempted with trying to buy their friendship/love. Even if you know they’d love the latest games console, don’t get caught up in winning them over this way. It can often lead to higher expectations that get harder to fulfill, and maybe resentment if their other parent is living elsewhere.
4
Listen
It’s crucial to listen to what the children are saying, but it’s also important to look out for the nonverbal cues. For example, if you say to them that you’d love to come and watch them play softball and they reply with an “oh, okay,” look at their body language and facial expressions.
If they look a little disappointed, then they don’t want you to come. However, they might feel rude actually verbalizing this. Therefore really try to understand what they want, even if they struggle to say it.
5
Give space
It’s important that children can still have time with their mom or dad without always having a stepparent in tow. Make an effort, and even encourage, the children to spend time alone with their parent doing some fun activities. If each member of the new couple has children, you can do some activities together, but don’t force it right away.
6
Consider the other parent
This isn’t always easy, or possible, however, if all the parents agree, try and spend time with the ex-spouse to reassure them that you’re a decent person and have their children’s interests at heart, that you want to get to know what is important to them as far as parenting is concerned, and you’re not trying to replace them!
While you don’t all have to have the same parenting techniques or standards, if you can try and work together on some golden rules it will make for a much easier life.
7
Check your language
Children are often seen as “baggage” in relationships that have failed. Such language has a huge negative connotation. If you envisage children as a bonus, then you’ll instantly have a more positive mindset that will be reflected in your future relationship with them.
8
Reach out to St. Thomas More
As you’re only human and taking on the role of stepparent is not so easy, you might want to ask for the help of a worthy intercessor. While there are a number of holy men and women who have played the role of stepparent, St. Thomas More is particularly admired for how he incorporated his stepdaughter into his family, raising her as his own.
9
Don’t be hard on yourself
Raising children isn’t easy, even when they’re our own. Therefore if things don’t go according to plan and you’re never able to have the relationship you dreamed of having with your step-children, try not to take it personally. You can just do your best and support your new spouse as much as possible.
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