I thought I had stellar smartphone rules for my teens. My two older kids couldn’t have them until they each got jobs, purchased, and paid for their phones and plans on their own. They also had to use bark, an app that blocks immoral content and allows parental monitoring. They were 16 and 17 by the time they saved enough money to buy phones. Both of them seemed to grow in self-respect and personal responsibility by accomplishing this goal.
Two years later, I wish I’d done things much differently. I wish I’d had a better agreement in place before the phones entered our home, with rules like “never take it in your bedroom.” We should have discussed healthy ways to use social media, or better yet, made a commitment to not combine it with phone use at all.
Serious smartphone regrets
Like many parents — including Jerry Seinfeld who recently made headlines for gifting his son a flip phone for high school graduation — when it comes to my kids and their tech use, I have some serious regrets.
Countless studies back up the obvious social dilemma affecting our kids’ academic performance, socialization and mental health. My husband and I knew we had to do something.
The need to backpedal my kids’ smartphone use is an ongoing effort that’s been strengthened by voices like the Seinfelds’. Jerry unpacks his thoughts about our society being oppressed by ‘smartphone tyranny’ in his latest comedy special 23 Hours to Kill. I found his observations hilarious, but they also send a stark warning about a dehumanizing phenomenon that has largely taken over the culture.
If you find yourself in a similar situation to mine, here are three backpedaling tech hacks that are working for us:
1
Lead by example
Before trying to change your teen’s habits, examine your own. Personally, my smartphone isn’t a big temptation, but I’m constantly battling an obsession with my laptop where I scroll Facebook like my life depends on it. I can’t give up social media! I tell myself, silently arguing that I need it to keep up with my local homeschool group and old friends, to share my work as a writer, and to stay “tapped into” the culture.
I’ve tried countless times to set sensible rules for myself, but I never follow through. So, every once in a while, I deactivate my account for several months at a time. I read more, pray more, and am far less distracted. My account is deactivated now, and it will be for the rest of the summer; perhaps permanently. I’ve had some good conversations with my teens about this decision and can tell it’s had a positive effect on them.
My husband had to deal with his own tech problems if he wanted to influence our teens. Many popular guidelines didn’t work for him, so he ended up giving up his smartphone for a flip phone. It’s a “dumb phone” that only lets you call, text and utilize driving directions and certain apps he needs for work.
Thankfully my oldest child followed Dad’s example when it became clear that grades were suffering. We’re still working to convince my other teen!
2
Set rules for your entire household
“No phones at the dinner table” and “no phones during family prayer time” were obvious and readily accepted when we started to backpedal our tech habits. But it was really hard to institute practices like “never take a screen in your bedroom” after it had become the norm.
Making these changes was difficult, but not impossible. And it’s been totally worth it.
Some of the tactics that have proved useful in my house:
– Have family members leave their smartphones and tablets on the mantel or in some other family space at night.
– Share information about the negative effects of smartphones on sleep. If a family member insists that they “only use it as an alarm clock,” call their bluff by getting them a digital alarm clock.
– Suggest “powering off” from all devises an hour before bedtime.
– Discuss personal etiquette rules like not using a cellphone in the car — even as a passenger – and saying “excuse me” if you have to look at your phone while talking to someone.
– Encourage each other to fill your lives with non-screen activities such as reading, working, biking, walking, sport and exercise, etc.
– Most importantly, pray for those family members who are struggling to reduce their use of smartphones and other devices.
3
Passwords, passwords, passwords!
Put passwords on everything! That’s been the key to curtailing my younger childrens’ screentime in general. No tablet, computer, or TV can be accessed without a parent typing in a secret password.
This small change can make everyone more intentional about their device use.
Also, I have limited my children to one hour of screentime in the afternoon and one hour in the evening. This is twice the amount of non-educational screen time recommended by the American Academy of Child Psychiatry, but it’s a huge improvement from our old habits and it’s the best we can do right now.
It’s all still a “work in progress” in my household. However, the changes we have made so far have definitely increased the peace in our home. It has also reduced my healthy sense of ‘mom guilt’ that was rightly nagging my conscience.
In summary, it’s brutal to admit that you have made mistakes raising your kids. But when other parents like Jerry Seinfeld step out in humility and admit they wish they’d done things differently, it makes it a little easier for the rest of us to do the same.
And today we celebrate...