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It’s clear that saying sorry isn’t always easy to do, especially if you’re feeling embarrassed or mortified by your words or behavior. However, to build or maintain a healthy relationship, it’s imperative not just to apologize, but to do so with meaning and with the intention to never do it again.
In situations where you might be feeling awkward about what you’ve done, you might be tempted to brush it off with a quick “sorry.” But that’s far too easily done. Alternatively, you might try and shift the blame to the person whom you’ve offended, with a: “I’m sorry, but it’s your fault I did xyz.” Now this does not constitute an apology!
Therefore, for those needing a little help in giving a more meaningful apology, try following this 7-step guide.
1
Acknowledge
As sorry is a word that rolls off the tongue, it’s important that you acknowledge what you are sorry for. It shows you’re aware of any pain or hurt the person is suffering from. An idea would be: “I’m sorry for knocking over your plant.” (A frequent apology from my kids for my poor plants.)
2
Understand
It’s important to express why the action was wrong. Going back to my plant, this could take the form of: “I’m sorry for knocking over your plant as I know how much it means to you and I was careless.”
3
Be accountable
As previously mentioned, it’s important to take accountability and to not try and shift the blame. Therefore my beloved kids could add to their apology: “I know you’ve told me countless times not to push my chair up against the plant.” Although I know they’re dying to say: “Why do you need to have that plant anyway?” or “It’s your fault for putting the plant in such a stupid place.”
4
Make amends
In your apology you should ask how you can make it up to the person. While it might be pretty hard to put back the huge leaf that fell off my plant, my children could say something like: “How can I make this better?”
5
Determine not to reoffend
It’s all well and good to apologize, however, if you’re going to repeat the action again then there’s absolutely no point. Therefore make the decision not to do it again, and express this in your apology. My pesky plant killers? Well, they could say, “I will not shove the chair up against the plant again.”
6
Ask for forgiveness
In some circumstances it’s important to ask for forgiveness. For my poor plant leaf, it’s not really an issue. But in cases where you’ve caused real hurt or damage, it’s appreciated if you actually ask the person if they can forgive you, so that you can both move on. In serious cases, this forgiveness might take time, but by asking someone to forgive you shows that you truly know you are in the wrong.
7
Be grateful
This might be a little strange, but if someone has picked you up on your behavior you should take the time to thank them for it. By pointing out inappropriate actions or words, you can learn from this and not make that mistake again.
Remember…
Avoid expressions like:
- “I’m sorry, but…” — the “but” is just an excuse and completely undoes the sorry.
- “It was your fault because you made me…” — don’t shift the blame.
- “I’m sorry you feel like that…” — don’t diminish your actions
- “I’m sorry you misinterpreted what I meant…” — this is not taking accountability.
And today we celebrate...